Learning to Live with Grief and its Aftermath

“Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.”

— Vicki Harrison

No one wants to think about it, but many parents deal with the tragic death of a child.

When speaking with parents about this loss, I have heard many say, “I didn’t have a choice,” which is sadly, very accurate. However, the way a person responds to grief is a personal thing and everyone experiences their pain differently. 

Some people feel like they have to be strong for everyone else in the family. Others may become advocates for things that were some way related to their child’s passing. There are some parents who find talking about their child and seeking refuge with other parents who understand their unique pain helps them grieve. 

Often a parent might totally shut down or stay in bed for years, separating themselves from friends and family. I have spoken with many clients who have taken anti depressants and even ketamine therapy so they could better function. I even have several friends who became mediums after the death of a child because it was the catalyst that opened them up to the spirit world. Everyone is different.

As a medium, I have known all types of parents who have lost children, and these are just a few of the specific things they have told me over the years. Grief is not the same for everyone, because the situations and the people involved are different. There simply is not one way that an individual will grieve the death of a child, and painfully, some parents experience this tragedy more than once. 

As the eldest child of 9, my mother is very close with her sister and 7 brothers, so I grew up with numerous cousins who are extended siblings. Having a close family, we spent holidays and vacations together and I feel blessed to have been raised this way.

As I write this, my 58 year old cousin died yesterday. His younger brother died 2 and a half years ago. As one might imagine, my aunt and uncle are devastated, losing their only two sons within a three year period. My aunt has expressed that she doesn’t want to go on living, and this is something I often hear parents say when a child dies. My uncle feels at a loss because there is nothing he can do to take away my aunt’s pain. His feelings of helplessness have effected his cognition and there have been times in the past few days he has literally just shut down. 

Grief debilitates!

My other uncle and his wife lost their two sons as well several years ago, one to an illness in his 40’s and the other in a car accident in his 50’s. Another uncle lost his daughter in her 40’s to lung cancer, and another one of my mother’s brothers lost his first born son to SIDS. 

Aside from my mother’s brothers, my nephew lost a son at birth, my niece lost her daughter to SIDS and my sister lost her only child at 18 to a drunk driver. It is a painful truth that parents lose their children; I have seen it personally far too often. 

This is why it is important to fully appreciate the people we have in our life when we do, for time is NOT promised. We need to keep the petty things from tearing us apart from those who we love, focusing on what makes us the same, rather than how we might be different. 

Our family relationships may not always be easy, but they teach us much about ourselves. This thereby gives us greater opportunities to learn about empathy, understanding and compassion for the human condition. So perhaps we should focus on appreciating the family we have, WHILE we have them. 

I know I do.

“Grief can be the garden of compassion. If you keep your heart open through everything, your pain can become your greatest ally in your life’s search for love and wisdom.”

— Rumi