I’m Done Shrinking to Make Other People Comfortable

Most women are not struggling because they don’t know who they are. They are struggling because they have been taught to hide themselves to make others more comfortable.

As women we quickly learn…  

*anger is viewed as ugly 

*desire is considered dangerous 

*raising our voices is considered intrusive

*(and my favorite) firm boundaries equal selfishness

We are trained from an early age to push these natural feelings into our shadow side because these are not “appealing” or “ladylike” ways for us to behave. It’s no wonder many of us are dealing with chronic fatigue, anxiety and depression. Most women in some way are quietly grieving our true selves.

I recall reading the quote once that really hit home for me, “Everything that makes me difficult as a woman would make me respected as a man.”

I have been repeatedly told over the years:

Stop talking…

Calm down…

You’re too intense…

Why are you being so friendly to that person?

Your energy is just too much!

Stop being selfish!

So I have desperately tried to tone myself down and to be more palatable to others, but frankly, I’m exhausted! Finally, at 60 years old I have officially decided, I am done doing that! Biting my lip, nodding politely when I strongly disagree to keep the peace, switching topics, regulating the emotions of others who can’t do it themselves, constantly scanning the room to see who needs what, making sure my high energy isn’t too much. I am DONE! I’ve finally decided: if I am too much, you are not for me!

As young women, we learn quickly what is acceptable or not acceptable for us to be loved. When we show things like anger or aggression, we are quickly corrected that it is not ladylike behavior and told to stop being that way. Yet, if we look at why a human might feel anger, it is the body’s way of saying something isn’t right. So this defense mechanism, which is actually in place to keep us safe, is taught to be suppressed. (And then we wonder why so many women struggle to trust their instincts.)

This is what I am choosing to live by now. Feel free to adopt whatever part of my new manifesto resonates with whomever is reading this.

I will stop apologizing for having needs. 

If that makes someone uncomfortable, that’s not a flaw in me.

I will no longer be afraid of my inner fury.

My anger is valid. I don’t need to justify it. When we show discernment that is fierce and clear, we are internally aligned and strong because we are being honest and true to ourselves. We are standing within our power.

I will walk away without looking back if I am coerced to shrink.

I don’t stay where I have to shrink to be accepted. It is not being cold, but simply knowing what we deserve and feeling strong enough about it to leave when the need arises, and not second guess ourselves or be gaslit.

I will embrace my unique creative impulses.

I don’t ask for permission to create, build, or express myself. I just do it. Women are notorious for apologizing to keep the peace when they have done no wrong.

I will embrace my body.

Regardless of how we physically show up to the world, we need to be comfortable in our skin. Our sexuality is not for someone else, but rather for ourselves and our inner desires. Women’s bodies have historically been given away and we need to stop believing that this is OK. We own our bodies and can choose to have them look however we want.

Yes, this is not something that will change overnight, but these are the goals that I am moving toward. I’m done disappearing just to be accepted.