How Much Are We Actually Seeing Versus Projecting?

Most of us think we are reading other people accurately, but we’re not. We are simply reading ourselves. In the current Jungian coaching course I am taking we have been speaking about mirroring and projection while working with others. Mirroring and projection are two sneaky psychological habits that get people tangled up in their own stories, and most of us are very unaware it is happening.

Mirroring is when we subconsciously reflect someone else’s energy, behavior, or emotions back to them. We are not necessarily being fake, just syncing up with the energy they are emitting. It is why we might suddenly feel tense around a tense person or more relaxed around someone calm. 

Projection, on the other hand, is when we take something that is actually going on inside and assume it is coming from the other person. For example, feeling insecure but deciding they must be judging you, or having unresolved issues and spotting them everywhere in someone else.   

It’s always been pretty clear to me that people walk through life thinking they are being objective when in reality that is simply not true. We tell ourselves things like:

“I’m just reading the situation.”

“I’m very intuitive.”

“I can tell what’s going on.”

But I wonder, can we really? Could we simply be feeling something and then building a story around it that only feels true? 

We Don’t See Reality. We See Ourselves.

The uncomfortable truth is that most of the time we are not reacting to what is actually happening, but rather…

• our past experiences
• our wounds
• our expectations
• our fears
• and yes, even our desired outcomes

We meet someone new and think, “He’s pulling away” but really, is he? Or did someone else pull away once, and now our nervous system is on high alert looking for it again?

We feel someone is judging us, but are they? Could it be that we are already judging ourselves, and now simply projecting it outward? If we think everyone is acting a certain way toward us, perhaps we need to look within rather than pointing the finger at another?

Projection is not some rare psychological concept, it is basically our human default setting.

The Mind Is a Meaning-Making Machine

Our brains hate uncertainty, so the second something feels unclear, it rushes in to explain it. My brain is notorious at doing this and for those of us who are over thinkers and sensitives, it is a constant struggle.The brain will use whatever material it already has on file and it shows up in ways of…

• old relationships
• old hurts
• old beliefs about ourselves

So it’s not really about us in the present moment, but instead the “greatest hits remix” of our past. The irony is how completely real it feels at the time!

But What About Intuition?

People get confused because not everything is projecting or mirroring and sometimes our gut is picking up on something real.

So how do we tell the difference?

Projection feels like:

• urgency
• anxiety
• a need to figure it out right now
• a spiral of thoughts

Intuition feels like:

• calm clarity
• a simple knowing
• no need to convince ourselves

When our stomach is in knots and the mind is racing, that is not clean intuition. Our nervous systems are trying to make us feel safe. (…and clearly NOT doing a good job at it!)

We Also Mirror Each Other Constantly

Now, to make matters even more confusing; we are not just projecting, but we also can be mirroring.

Think of it this way…

• we feel someone is distant → we subtly pull back → now they feel us pull back → and they become distant

And just like that, we have created the very thing we thought we were detecting.

Or another example (and mind you, I of course have never done ANY of these…really…)

We assume someone is not that interested → we show up slightly guarded → they feel it → they don’t fully open → and now we say, “See? I was right.”

Were we really correct, or did we participate in creating that outcome? 

This means we are not just observers, we are contributors; so a lot time we need to take far more accountability for things than we realize. (I know, I don’t like that either.)

So Are We Ever Objective?

Yes, but far less often than we think, because true objectivity requires:

• slowing down
• separating feeling from fact
• questioning our first interpretation
• and being willing to be wrong

(Willing to be wrong? Most of us do NOT want to sign up for that!)

Sadly, people don’t often want the truth, they just want confirmation.

A Better Question to Ourselves

Instead of asking “What’s going on with them?” we might ask “What am I bringing into this?” because that is the only part we actually have control over.

Thankfully, the more aware we become of our patterns, the clearer everything else gets, especially in our relationships with others. Which is also why accountability is so important when trying to have a healthy relationship with someone.

Yes, we are intuitive, but we are also human and this means sometimes we are reading energy…and sometimes we are reading our own history. The power is in knowing the difference. Once we do, we stop reacting to ghosts and start responding to what is actually in front of us.