How to Control Being Out of Control

Death is a part of life; it’s probably one of the hardest challenges we will deal with. But sometimes we lose a person piece by piece, watching parts of them peel away, until there is nothing left but a fading shell. 

Today I feel like I have committed my mother to an asylum. To see the other dementia patients walking confused through the locked tight memory unit of the nursing home, mumbling incoherently and not making sense, I am reminded of the mental asylums of the 1800’s. Yes, she has ever worsening dementia and Mama’s assisted living situation was becoming unsafe, but I still feel horrible to place her here. It broke my heart to hear her say, “I don’t like this place, no one makes sense when they talk. Please don’t make me stay here.”

The people that work there are lovely and truly want the best for their patients. My mother is lucky to have a wonderful aid assigned to her named Jeffrey who is an absolute doll, but still, I can tell she feels trapped.  If she could run, she would. It’s only her first day, she will acclimate, is what I tell myself, but I wonder what’s the difference between “acclimating” or “surrendering” to being helpless in a horrible situation. 

My heart hurts and I think back to quietly crying earlier in the day as I gave Mama her final shower that morning, knowing that someone else would be taking on that role in the future. As children, we used to fight to wash her back, so today I spent an extra long time with the washcloth there because I know she loves having her back washed, all the time, reflecting on the cruel ways life can change.

Life is really about sorting out that which we have control over, and that which we don’t…and how we choose to emotionally react to these things. Many of us never learn how to navigate our frustration when we have little or no control over a situation. (That’s probably why there is so much road rage today.) But the better we are at surrendering and understanding that sometimes, regardless of what we do, nothing can alter a situation, the more we can move forward with grace and compassion.

Although I understand I am not my emotions, because they come and go; it still pains me to sit with them over this situation. But sit with them I must;  it is the only productive way to deal with life. There are no short cuts when dealing with our emotions, for if we push them down, they will bubble up in other far more destructive ways down the road. (Often with our health.) 

I remind myself I am grateful for this safe place for my mother to reside and for these skilled workers. I reflect on all the great talks and memories I have had with this special woman over the years. I count my blessings for all the strength she showed me, and the laughter we shared. I try to remind myself that she lives on in all of us who she touched, so she won’t truly die. “Look at the positives” she would tell me growing up, so I try to look. As Mama’s favorite motivational speaker Zig Ziglar used to say, “Among the things you can give and still keep are your word, a smile, and a grateful heart.” I will continue to follow these amazing words of advice, not only because it is how she taught me to be, but because it’s the legacy she leaves behind for me to emulate.

“When we focus on gratitude, the tide of disappointment goes out and the tide of love rushes in.”

Kristin Armstrong